Your Cheap-Ass Gym Is Messing With Your Mind, Doesn't Want You Healthy

Most of us hate going to the gym. It's intimidating and, unless you're Hamilton Nolan, you don't even know how to use half the machines and weights. So when Planet Fitness showed up and started offering pizza nights and massage chairs, it all sounded great. But Planet Fitness doesn't really care about your fitness. In… » 12/18/14 9:30pm Yesterday 9:30pm

Clarinet-Playing Pole Dancer Has A New Christmas Video; You're Welcome

He's in boxers! He's in a sleigh! He's got a wind instrument that he knows how to use with rudimentary skill! He's Paul Groslouis and he's the internet's christmas present to you. My suggestion? Watch this on a loop at the end of a long night. It beats a creepy whispering video any day. Am I right? (I'm right.) » 12/17/14 6:40pm Wednesday 6:40pm

Gifts for the Avowed Hoarder in Your Life

Hoarding's been having a wild time as of late. Not content merely to make a name for itself by providing the basis for several award-winning and delight-inducing shows — did you see the one with the CATS — hoarding's ditched its previous DSM classification and has burst, debris flying everywhere and smelling faintly… » 12/17/14 5:40pm Wednesday 5:40pm

This Angry Cat Is the Only Present You'll Want to Unwrap

Meet Admiral Whiskers. He is a cat and a donut lover. He also loves wrapping paper as much as any sensible kitty should and knows what you really want to unwrap on INSERT HOLIDAY OF YOUR CHOICE HERE morning is a pissed off cat ready to pounce. It's every kid's dream come true! As the famous olde poem goes, "And I… » 12/16/14 9:00pm Tuesday 9:00pm

Man Says Sorry for Videotaping Underage Girls Through a Mop Bucket

If there was an award for "skeeviest way to take creepshots of underaged girls" (the ceremony would be held at The Quad in Las Vegas), Julio Cesar Olayo, a 38-year-old from Tarrant, Alabama would definitely be in the running. This cunning charmer scored pics of showering teen girls by attaching his cell to a mop… » 12/16/14 7:45pm Tuesday 7:45pm

Angry Little Girl Is Done With Deadbeat Tooth Fairy's Lazy Bullshit

Here's how losing your teeth works: You pull the thing out of your mouth you get a dollar for it. You pull another one, you get another dollar. A good month can see you bringing in up to 5, maybe even six big ones in pure profit. But sometimes the tooth fairy is a lazy sack of poop that doesn't want to do their job.… » 12/16/14 7:00pm Tuesday 7:00pm

Hamsters in Holiday Hats are Festively Plump, Completely Irresistible

It's been a long time since you've seen a hamster video like this. Hamsters eating was good and bartending hamsters were better, but nothing will beat the pure simplicity and class of hamsters in tiny hats celebrating the holiday season. Nothing. Give up now. These hamsters have won Christmas. » 12/15/14 11:15pm Monday 11:15pm

South Dakota Removes Ads Demanding Drivers Stop Jerking It

In a move that surprised many people who enjoy a good joke about masturbation, South Dakota has decided that their plan to ensure safe driving while employing puns about touching oneself all over until orgasm were ill-advised. No one knows how they even came up with the idea, but I assume some ingenious advertising… » 12/15/14 9:30pm Monday 9:30pm

Doug the Pug Dresses as Mariah, Only Wants One Thing for Xmas (Not You)

No one loves food more than Doug the Pug and he's willing to anything to get it. Go out for pizza in the middle of the night? Check. Ride in a grocery cart? check. Dress up as Mariah Carey and star in a video about how much he loves food more than anything in the world? CHECK CHECK CHECK. Doug is a star. » 12/15/14 8:45pm Monday 8:45pm

Why Are People So Obsessed With One Woman's Creepy Whispering Videos?

Maria is a 28-year-old YouTube star with hundreds of thousands of subscribers. Her video view numbers reach dizzying heights and people are addicted to her brand of charisma. But Maria doesn't sing or dance or even teach viewers how to put on makeup. She just whispers at them. And then she whispers some more. » 12/15/14 7:15pm Monday 7:15pm

Woman Finds Vaginal Leakage Caused by Cock Ring Left Inside for Weeks

A tip for those of you trying out sexual accoutrements for the first, second or 75th time: When the fun is over, search deep within yourself to ascertain that none of the fun has been left behind. Because some things, cock rings especially, can stay with you far longer than you'd think. Even longer than a month. » 12/15/14 6:00pm Monday 6:00pm